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God-Driven Women Doing Life & Loving The Outdoors Together

  • Bella Jean

Hypocrite Control Freak

Updated: Aug 30, 2018

So, on 8/8/18, I found out I WAS A HYPOCRITE! Like, how did I not know?! I’m a hypocrite! Or I was... because also on 8/8/18, my life changed for the better AGAIN. I’m constantly in awe by how often you think you can be on the right track doing the best you can and God stirs that up and says “WAKE UP & PAY ATTENTION FOR WHAT HAPPENS NEXT”. God doesn’t want us to get “comfortable”. Greatness doesn’t grow in comfort zones, and boy, I’m out of mine again... especially now, writing again for maybe no reason besides benefiting myself. And that’s okay too! I just found out I LOVE WRITING and it feels really good to get everything off of your chest!! Content - that’s a different story. God DOES want us to be content, and that was my wake up call. CONTENT WITH HIM AND WHAT HE DESTINES FOR OUR JOURNEY.

Never once in my life did I have a family like God intended it to be in the Bible. My parents got divorced when I was a toddler, I am an only child, we moved a bunch of times, and it was always just my mama and I. Like everything, it had it’s ups and downs. I learned SO MUCH from my mama and saw what STRONG & INDEPENDENT truly meant and was. My mother is a remarkable woman! On the other hand, I had to grow up... fast... I had to take on a lot of responsibilities that most children wouldn’t ever think of (some adults too), be a daughter, friend, and support for my mom and many animals, and INDEPENDENCE BECAME ME. I thought strong = independent. I have always thought that... until a few days ago, when I found out I was a hypocrite.

I found out that even though I thought I gave up 100% control of my life to Christ, I was wrong. I gave him maybe 60-75%... I found out that my will and desire to create a family of my own was stronger than following HIS WILL for me. CONTROL is another thing I struggle with. I didn’t want to give up control. I didn’t want to give up that dream. I didn’t want to give it up so much so that I was ready and willing to be a single mom and do it allllll by myself JUST to have children! After all, I saw my mom do it and she rocked it! BUT...that’s not what God wants. God doesn’t want me to do it all alone. God wants me to want Him. It took me 23 years to finally be able to say “I SURRENDER, LORD! I want what I want, BUT I WANT WHAT YOU WANT MORE!”

A few days ago, I gave up control. 100%. Now, that’s not something that will stick if I don’t continue to choose God and continue to pray and continue to praise and continue to dig deeper into His Word. But... I SURRENDER. God and I were in a wrestling match and I and as the one to say “I give up!” I want to have children and start a family and get married and do all of these things, but I WANT WHAT YOU WANT MORE. If that’s not my destiny, that’s okay. If that’s not your plan, I bet yours is greater. It’ll suck for the time being unknown, but once you reveal to me all that you have in store, it’ll be worth it. AND I TRUST YOU! I believe!

“I push, I pull, go back and forth finding myself pounding on a locked door. I try to make it out alone without your help, but I know I'll never win this war. I can never be free without you! This is the sound of chains breaking. This is the beat of a heart changing. This is a song of a soul forgiven. This is my freedom hymn! I breathe the air of freedom in knowing my life is better off in Your hands. The past is gone, what's done is done. Now, I'm alive and I'm never gonna look back!”

Verses That Help Me:

Matthew 6:25-26 - “‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?’”

God’s got our back, ladies! He’s got me, and He’s got you too. God promises to supply us with our NEEDS; so, don’t worry! Worrying:

  1. Damages our health

  2. Consumes us

  3. Disrupts positivity

  4. Negatively affects how we treat others

  5. Hinders us from trusting the One in control, God

Philippians 4:12-13 - “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.”

Okay, first, do you have a roof over your head? Do you have clothes and a bed to sleep in? Clearly we all have access to internet… If you have those things and food in yo belly, you’re doing pretty good. I know, it’s hard to think so sometimes, but take a glimpse at the people that are really “lacking”. It’s easy to be content if you can see your life from God’s point of view. Focus on what you’re supposed to DO rather than what you think you should HAVE.

Romans 8:28 - “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

When control is given to God, good things come out of it… ONLY GOOD things. God’s plan is always for good, never for evil. How many times have you taken things into your own hands just to have it backfire? God’s will doesn’t backfire. He’s got it all figured out. “Let Go & Let God” - I am a control freak. I have that tattooed on the back of my neck.

Jeremiah 29:11 - “‘...For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future…’”

That verse goes on. You should read it all. We are all encouraged by a God that pushes us to be our best self. He wants us to grow and move ahead in life. He believes in us and will be with us every step of the way.

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Wisconsin, USA

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